I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
