I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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