I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
