I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
