I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
