He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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