I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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