I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
