am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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