im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
