There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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