I didn't shave. On purpose
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
