I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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