The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
