My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
