I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize