Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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