his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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