6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
