How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
