why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
