are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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