All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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