What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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