why didn't you poke me back
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
