if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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