You surviving the open bar?
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No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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