this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Two words: blizzard sex
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
