He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
