Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
