i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
