Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
