It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
