Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
