Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
