i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
