then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
