So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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