What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
