I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
