I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
