i dedicated my morning wood to you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't turn off my feet"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
