fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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