you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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