she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
