I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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