So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
