I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
