Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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