Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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