It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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