made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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