She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
