I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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