I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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