Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
