I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
