I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
