did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
