I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
