i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
